Films As News: The Salvation (2015)

TheSalvation2014PosterA former cavalry officer is planning to kill up to four townspeople by noon today unless the Sheriff and Mayor find the outlaw responsible for his brother’s murder.

Colonel De La Rue, once a revered army officer but now a feared gang leader, threatened both of the officials in broad daylight. The Colonel’s brother had recently been released from prison and was making the journey home aboard a stagecoach, next to which his body was found.

An unknown assailant shot the Colonel’s brother and one other man last night. Both men were traveling together after leaving jail. They were shot multiple times with a Smith & Wesson rifle, killing them instantly. According to the Sheriff, the motivation for the slaughter remains a mystery.

The townsfolk have been given an ultimatum by Colonel De La Rue; they either find the murderer, or offer up two other townsfolk to be killed in his place. It is not yet known who will be chosen, or where the culprit is, as there were no witnesses to the killing.

Films As News: Green Butchers

green butchers 1Business is booming for a small town butcher shop as a craze for its speciality, chickie-wickies, causes queueing mayhem for its customers.

Svend and Bjarne set up the shop less than a week ago and struggled to receive even one customer during their grand opening. Word of mouth spread quickly throughout the town about Svend’s special marinade after a dinner party hosted by their former employer, Holger.

Queues are now stretching all the way down the street as shoppers flock to the new store hoping to get their fill of chickie-wickies.

The unceremonious split between the three Danish butchers left a bitter taste in the mouth for Svend, who was told he would “never get behind the counter” in Holger’s shop.

Ploughing over 4m krone of their own money into the business, the pair are now reaping the rewards for their entrepreneurial risk taking.

With demand continuing to exceed supply, Svend and Bjarne are remaining tight-lipped about the secret ingredient in their chickie-wickie delight.

Films As News: Hudson Hawk

MV5BMTQwMjY3OTM3MF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMjE0NDYyMQ@@._V1_SY317_CR1,0,214,317_AL_The Da Vinci Codex, worth in excess of $30m, was stolen last night in a daring raid on the Milan museum.

Eddie “Hudson Hawk” Hawkins, 36, a master burglar and safe cracker, was released from prison less than a week ago. A cold cappuccino cup left at the scene of the crime, Mr Hawkins’s signature drink, has led police to call the notorious thief in for questioning in connection to the audacious robbery.

The CIA are investigating a link to another of Leonardo Da Vinci’s artworks, the maquette of the Sforza, which has also been reported stolen recently.

Films As News: Witchfinder General

Screen Shot 2015-11-16 at 12.35.50A priest and his daughter from East Anglia have today been accused of witchcraft by the “Witch Finder Generall”, Matthew Hopkins, who promises to “find out the truth”.

Known for his brutal torture methods used to identify witches across the east of England, such as pricking, sleep deprivation and “swimming”, the parliament appointed Witchfinder General has discovered almost 300 witches living amongst the general population.

Priest John Lowes, 62, and his adopted daughter Sara Lowes, 23, of Brandston, Suffolk, were accused of witchcraft by Mr Hopkins and have been subject to trials since the discovery. There have been no conclusive results as of yet, but the tests are expected to continue for some time.

When asked why a priest might turn to witchcraft, Matthew Hopkins said: “Men sometimes have strange motives for the things they do.

“My motive in coming here is to find the truth.”

Mr Hopkins instructed his assistant, John Stearne, to take the priest and “look for the devil’s mark upon him” before claiming his agreed upon price of 9 guineas in silver from the town’s mayor for carrying out his job.

Richard Marshall, a Roundhead solider and fiancé of Sara Lowes, is wanted by Mr Hopkins on suspicion of being involved in the cult.

Films As News: I Know What You Did Last Summer

MV5BMjA3NTA2NzgxMF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMzI2NDU2MQ@@._V1_SY317_CR1,0,214,317_AL_A body has been found floating in the ocean, believed to be that of a missing local fisherman.

David Egan has been missing since 4th July 1994 and was last seen crossing the road near to the town’s bay. Tyre marks were found on the tarmac near the scene where the body was recovered, although no connection has yet been made to murder.

Police are treating the death as suspicious and are asking anybody who might have seen anything that night to aid their investigation by coming forward with any information.

Films As News: Horns

MV5BMTQ2Nzk5NzIxMF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwNTM2NTc5MjE@._V1_SX214_AL_The prime suspect in the murder of a 26 year old woman sprouted horns yesterday that force people in his presence to confess their sins.

Ig Perrish, 26, is accused of raping and later murdering his ex-girlfriend Merrin Williams in the woods of his home town, Gideon, New Hampshire.

When questioned by an angry mob outside of his home about how it felt to “get away with murder” and if he will ask God to save his soul, Ig Perrish said: “I should ask the devil to punish whoever the f*** killed her.”

Horns have now started to protrude from the accused’s forehead, granting him the power to make anybody he talks to confess their darkest secrets to him.

It is understood that Mr Perrish will use this supernatural gift to track down the person he believes is responsible for killing Miss Williams.

It is not yet known who his suspects are.

Films As News: Oldboy

MV5BMTI3NTQyMzU5M15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMTM2MjgyMQ@@._V1_SY317_CR0,0,214,317_AL_A man who was imprisoned in a single room for 15 years with no explanation has been released by his captors.

Oh Dae-su, from South Korea, was last seen outside of a phone booth in Seoul in 1988. He is wanted by police as the main suspect in the murder of his wife and child.

It is not yet know who kidnapped him, or why, but having spent the last 15 years curious, Oh Dae-su said: “I thought I’d lived a simple life. But I’ve sinned too much.

“Revenge is good for your health, but pain will find you again.”

There are no leads at this time and police are not investigating the issue.